Being a mom is tough

You'd think after being a mom for 23+ years I'd have this thing down to a science but oh no.....


God has blessed me with 3 children(son 23 yr old, daughter 21 yr old and (step) son 10 yr old. Not only that I now am a grandmother- I should be real seasoned and an expert at this thing right.....(NOT) My grandson is 3yr old now, I don't get to spend as much time with him as I was- now that I'm working full-time.
I used to think that parenting was easy and that no (good) parent ever lost their temper, so today when I find my fuse so short I think it has to be that being a step parent is harder or I'm just too old to be a parent now.... Reading this first chapter in Am I messing up my Kids, I've been pondering on years past and as I had been thinking parenting has gotten harder, I realize it hasn't- it's the way things are handled now verse then.....The things that are available today has increased and the world is having bigger influences because of all these social media things but has it really gotten harder ????
 So, as I have been looking back on some of my early motherhood days and thinking how it seemed so easy because I was going to do it perfectly- my kids knew what to do when we were out in public and knew that if they didn't there was a time-out chair waiting for them at home. Why, is it they try you so much when you're in public??? I think it's to see if you react the same as you do behind closed doors at home(I use to).... I know I don't always act the same in every situation today- this I need to work on.

I had been stuck in believing that I couldn't get enough time with my kids but now being a mom in my 40's to a 10 yr old(step) son is extremely tough- and asking why??.
Why do I feel I can't get enough breaks, Why do I feel that we're always butting heads and there is never a dull moment..... I tell myself and hear others say This boy is just hurting.... that he is all boy- that he is high strung. All I know is he going 90-nothing from the time he wakes up and it is never quite for long ....My problem in this is that I don't take the time to spend with God as I should and I don't take time to do anything for myself, with-out feeling guilty_loved the movie "Mom's Night out".
So as I looked back today on some of my early parenting years, I can say.... Oh wait, it wasn't always easy and there really isn't much difference....Yeah, I'm taking off my Pollyanna glasses now :)

It was very tough even back then when I was so young and it was my very own children, I can think back on moments that I wondered what are we going to do now. Like when my then 2 yr old son painted himself from head to toe as well as his favorite toys(Thomas trains and tracks-thankful they were the plastic ones- we took them all right to the bath tub) with the paint his dad left opened in his brand new baby sister's room, our brand new carpet would never be the same.
Or the days when I couldn't get a shower because the baby wouldn't stop crying. Today, looking back on those early days I see they're not that much different from parenting my new son(he's been in my life since he was 4), his dad and I got married 4 yrs ago and a month after saying "I do", a judge asks if we can take care of him and if I'm willing to take care of him- of course I was, foster home wasn't an option for this sweet little boy.


Over these, last four years-I have found that parenting has many sides and it is very tough, I didn't have a husband that was around a lot with my first two kids and when he was he didn't care about the parenting of the kids that was all left up to me, his job was to work outside the home and provide, he would of course play and have fun with the kids but the rest laid on my shoulders. When my current husband and I brought our son home to live with us, it wasn't from the hospital as a baby- it was from a court house where a judge said he couldn't go home with his mom but could only see her under direct supervision, he didn't understand that anymore than we did but we were happy that he wouldn't have to worry about things anymore and that he could be a kid with so much given to him and parents that love him more than life.... oh did I have on some really thick rose-colored glasses- it hasn't been anything as I pictured....With supervised visitation being the only form of visitation his mom was given and my husband was a truck driver away on most of the visitation days-that ALL fell on my shoulders. I think that had caused me so much stress, here I am so afraid of messing it up or her running off with this sweet boy- yeah, you ask where is my trust(lost somewhere in all my messed up life, I guess).
I can thankfully say It hasn't happened the way I've feared- in fact she doesn't visit with him as much as the courts allow and she doesn't contact him enough(it all goes through stages)-so yes he is hurting.
I feel some resentments some of those are towards her- that I have held onto over these years and have allowed them to cause me to be so bitter at times and I'm always asking how can I be a mom and feel this way... Gladly I can say, I'm gradually working through those as I've joined a Christ centered 12 step program(no not one that is just for addicts as I'm not).
 I've learned that I have put up walls so that I don't get hurt, if it doesn't work out for my husband and I. With those walls I have also keep this sweet boy at arms length because I can't love and be abandoned again, by either of them, I have now confessed this as sin- thanks to CR, I'm learning a new way to work through this....I know I mess up so much.
 I'm not as patient as I was when I was younger but at the same time I'm not the same person as I was either and  besides all that- I've never had to deal with a boy who is hurting so much. So I am here to get through each day with other moms and know that no matter how you became a mom- IT is TOUGH!!! I think a big part of my trouble is seeing where I went wrong so many years ago and not wanting to repeat those same mistakes but at the same time so scared of messing up because I'm now raising someone Else's son.- Oh wait, they're all God's children and only on loan to me.... Help!!!

Today, my husband is home every night and with each day we try to become better parents and partners as this is a team effort- one of our biggest struggles is that I don't know how to let him parent as I've never had a dad in my life, it all was done by my mom and as I said before my older children's father didn't want to parent either, so what is a dad's role-that's where I'm focusing my prayers because I need to be fair and not a control freak. I read a lot of books on parenting and marriage etc. but reading those just get me depressed as I can't do as those moms do.... how in the world do these moms look so put together and never seem to have a bad day..... how do they say- it's my job to make the atmosphere loving in the home- why isn't it everybody's job to do their part.... why do I have to work full-time and be a mom, wife, maid, cook full-time too- how do I balance it all and not MESS up???



Yesterday, I found the verse in Ezekiel 36:26-27 to be very helpful not just in parenting but my marriage and most of all in me(because that is where the real problem is- with me and my flesh). This verse says "A new heart I also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh..... and I will put my spirit within you". so this is my prayer this week, that my heart of stone be turned into a heart full of His spirit. So I'm praying this daily so my walls can come completely down and I can love and be loved without fears(God didn't give me a spirit of fear anyways...)